First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The asteroid..
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!