me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
british sex workers really pound for pound
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.