Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”