Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow