His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
God, I love Scotland
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Based Erika
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.