Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
emergency phone
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.