Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Day 2 of my diet
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
starting a garage orchestra
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.