Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You Might Also Like
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I’m putting together a team
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf