You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There is no “we” in chocolate.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what