who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Noah was an idiot.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.