I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.