A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I can’t stop laughing at this
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!