and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
You Might Also Like
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.