Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
ibopfufen
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?