My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder