My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
never forget
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.