The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
…..pretty much.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.