Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?