Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
my first day as a raccoon
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Optional boss fight.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.