My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”