[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
😜
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak