*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
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For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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