Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.