Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho