In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
nice challenge
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”