One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches