doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
#DesignFail
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”