My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*