FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
This makes total sense…
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don鈥檛 have a dog.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I鈥檇 be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it鈥檚 been years馃槍
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don鈥檛 kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn鈥檛 come back. That鈥檚 why I never started smoking. I just don鈥檛 have the time.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 馃槴
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn鈥檛 get her face painted in camouflage. We鈥檙e all very excited for this year鈥檚 Christmas card.