exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.