Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’m an avid indoorsman.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other