Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
bad news gang
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!