bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
You Might Also Like
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds