*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge