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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.