My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
#Caturday
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
thank god
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.