If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too