I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My safe word is Worcestershire
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.