When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me irl
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.