When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
What the hell is going on?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”