“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
There is wisdom there.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out