Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here