You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Breaking news:
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”