I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”