Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.