Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”