Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
At least my masseuse has my back.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.