3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!