“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.