checking out some reviews of my local library
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Jogging
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now